rough.draft.

So, damn…a lot of things up update in order to allow this to properly chronicle what’s happened.

Last posts were about Tancy.
After Tancy, I spent a few weeks single…and then Blair and I got back together.
She insisted that she wanted to keep a hold of me for as long as she could. She didn’t know what she had with me until she didn’t have it.
Despite everything, I still love the girl.
Still do.

However, after I graduated in May, some tension arose.
She was getting depressed and distant again.

Things came to a head over a month ago…the weekend prior to Matt and Terry’s wedding…when she said “Well, you know, I’ve been living like I’m single anyway.”

If there’s one thing not to say to a hopeless romantic, it’s that you’ve been acting like you’re single and ignoring the relationship.

Regardless, this utterance made by her sparked my brain a’churnin’…and the more I’ve thought about it, since we’ve gotten back together, it’s been a relationship of her convenience.

We do things when she wants to.
She answers my calls when she wants to…but if I ignore one of her calls to me (even if I’m in the middle of a meeting at work), she gets pissed. I express dismay over the fact that she never answers my calls and get told she was busy, forgot her phone, or just didn’t want to answer…I become a bad guy for getting upset.
She doesn’t really respond to my physical desires or advances…unless it fits her “schedule.”

Really, the more I’ve contemplated it, the more I’ve realized that she’s been abusing the fuck out of me…taking advantage of my generosity and putting everything on her timetable – my timetable be damned.

This really pisses me off.

Needless to say, the relationship won’t be surviving for much longer. While this depresses me some, I realize that sometimes love isn’t enough…especially when the other party involved doesn’t love you back.

27 coming soon and still looking…apparently in all the wrong places.

Practically everyone else has found someone…
…maybe this will be another motivator to get me out of Memphis…realizing that I won’t find happiness like I want on practically any level.

The future is looking pretty dark and stormy.
I’ve survived the storms before. I’ve learned to enjoy the night.

…but god damn if it wouldn’t be nice to have some light to look forward to.

another.gone.

Damn. Almost 10 months since an update.
I guess I’ve been too busy to whine lately.

…but it’s coming…trust me…whining is coming.

into.the.west.

So, once again I prove myself to be oblivious…
I felt like things were starting to improve with the girlfriend…she’d said on Thursday that she would try and make more time to spend with me…

…and then…last night…she breaks up with me. Tells me she can’t do this…I get no input into the matter…she just doesn’t want it anymore.

I try. I tried. I fail. Again.

She insists that it’s all her…nothing to do with me at all…
…but that only spells “it’s all you” to my brain…
…and I have no clue what I could’ve done wrong…what I could’ve done better…how I could’ve made it right…

…just like that I go from “happy-ish” to “questioning the value of my existence”…

Bitches, man. Bitches.

divine.comedy

Looking at this blog, I’d forgotten that it’d been over a year since I started this thing…and a little over a year ago I was going through a similar situation…though Tancy isn’t sleeping around on me like Sarah was…
…but still…a very similar situation…

Someone down there must find this uproariously funny to do it to me once a year…at roughly the same time of the year…

…either that or I really need to get the fuck out of this town to break this horrible, horrible cycle…

mad.world

I really know how to pick ‘em…don’t I?

1 month and 1 day.
That’s how long it’s taken.
It’s not actually over with…but…it’s pretty fucking close.
I meet girl. I fall for girl. Girl and I date. Girl goes crazy. I get left alone. Again.

At least this time it’s a not-overly-hurtful reason…in fact, it’s fairly rational…
She feels like a bad girlfriend.
She’s busy as fuck trying to pack way too much shit into her last semester to be able to graduate with little-to-no debt…which I knew, understood, acknolwedged, and made obvious (I thought) to her that I knew before this relationship escalated beyond the “making out at a party” stage…

…but tonight she comes over to try and break up with me…
I should’ve just said okay and let her leave.
I really should’ve.
But the stubborn hopeless romantic part of me wouldn’t let that be the case…no…I had to talk her into understanding that I’m willing to survive with the little snippets of time I can steal when I can…which I have been…
…and she says that if that were to continue, that the quantity of time would be even further reduced…which part of me has trouble understanding…because there’s hardly any time as is…but…I don’t know…I’m just trying to type this out as some manner of catharsis as the miniscule number of people I would feel comfortable talking to this about are nowhere around to be talked to…

One week. She asked for one week seeing little to none of me to try and figure out what she wants…
…I agreed.

So, I get to have one week of hardly eating and spending large portions of my evenings in the bathroom, shitting my guts out from nerves, before she decides…

Why am I a glutton for this kind of punishment?
Why couldn’t I just accept her “this isn’t really working” and moved on?

Because I’m fucking pathetic.
That’s why.

sanctified

So, I’ve ended up being a less-than-admirable person.
It was a one-night stand. I’ve come to terms with this.
However, I’ve fallen for someone new…

…big suprise there…

…problem is, a good friend of mine has been pining after this girl for 6-8 months. However, she want’s nothing to do with him romantically or sexually…and has told him thus…so I don’t feel like I’m violating Man-Law, but there is a vague possibility of drama when he finds out…

…but in other news, I’m finding it kind of difficult to walk (and thus not looking forward to having to trapse all over campus today) after roughly 7 hours of sex in the past three days…
…really good sex too…if I wasn’t so fuckin’ sore, I think I’d be skipping to class rather than walking…

Lovesong

So, to answer my previous question.
No, I’m not a horrible person…
…unless horrible persons get to shag the people they think they’ve been horrible to on a regular basis…

It’s been years since I’ve had reletively commitment-free sex…and let me tell you, it feels great.

She.Blinded.Me.With.Science

Am I a horrible person for making out with a girl whose name I cannot recall and then “blowing her off” so I could get home and go to bed to try and get over being sick?

I hope not.

dance.inside.

So alone.
Despite hardly spending an evening alone in the past several weeks, I can’t help but feel alone.
I’m surrounded by bodies. Bodies that at least make an effort to pretend to care, if they don’t even actually care…

…yet I can’t help but feel alone.
I’ve hit another point where all I really want is a good cathartic cry…
…or to get laid…
yet neither one comes.

am.i.broken?

I also told myself that after finishing my Poetry Workshop class that I would continue writing…yet here it’s been…almost a month and nothing written…
I need to stop procrastinating and get off my ass…
…do…something.
But how can you motivate the terminally unmotivated?

The.Art.of.Losing.

No point in being cryptic when noone reads it.
I found the one girl I ever truly loved on MySpace…she continues to ignore my requests to reopen a channel of communicaiton. I know getting back with her is impossible, but is it that horrible of me to ask to be able to be friends with someone who was that important to your life?
I can smell the impending connection between my ex-girlfriend and one of our mutual friends…I know they’d both deny it…but I can smell it coming. They’ll be dating soon enough.
The girl I’ve been pining after and might’ve had a shot with has a boyfriend…worst part was trying to pass it off as funny when mutual friend from aforemention situation mentioned it to me jokingly…yeah…ow…

…so I guess I’ll be getting more time to myself. Not that it’s a horrible thing…this gives me more time to think, to figure myself out, to work, to finish my degree, and to make my way to Japan…